Child's Play

Despite everything, the world doesn't revolve around me, i know that. There are no right words. I want to talk about it, but i don't know how. So i do what i do best, i slap a smile on my face, distract myself - ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Im not where i should be, and that kills me, but im relieved. Im relieved that i can be distracted, that i can smile, that i can steal away in other moments and not live in this one reality. Im relieved. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a bad granddaughter? Do you forgive me?
I keep wondering why i did not feel anything. Why when i woke up that morning, everything felt exactly the same, why it felt like just another day and how i got through it despite knowing. And i feel guilty for pushing everything away, i do. And i feel like i need to talk, but i dont want to. Because the more i say it, the more it hits me. So I hide. There are no right words.

And i feel so stupid for taking you for granted, for taking time for granted, for taking moments for granted. Just everything. Because the unexpected happens, the unexpected happens everyday. I just never expected it to happen to me. Who does? Can i continue living in my world of denial? Will they hate me?

But this is me trying, in my own way. And i know you need me but im not ready to deal with your loss when im dealing with mine. and i cant deal with mine if i deal with yours, because then i cant hide. and i want to hide. and i want to ignore. and i dont want to talk.