Invisible post (not meant to be read by just anybody)

- Thursday, October 30, 2008

I've been thinking.

Yeah, im always thinking. THE MIND NEVER SLEEPS.

Anyway, random. But this is just a note to my future self. In case i ever forget the ideals that i stand by.

I never ever want to tell my kids what they can do and what they cannot (in terms of jobs and stuff, i mean) I dont want to feed them with doubt.

They never should have to ever doubt themselves.

I want to them to believe that they can do anything,
That greatness is within their grasp.

Because it is.

I guess i just dont want them to ever have to be like me. Because i doubt myself so frequently. I get so afraid of doing anything, even things i believe in.

If they ever have doubts,
I'll carry them on with my believe in them.

Cause all thats standing between greatness and yourself, is really just YOU. I want to stop holding myself back, but ive grown so accustomed to it, i dont know how. Im so sick of playing safe. Im so tired of people telling me what im capable of and what i am not.

Because im capable of so much more
Why cant you see?

And now im blinded too by your little faith in me, and though try as i might to reignite that believe i once had in myself, i cannot. I doubt myself. I wont lie. I do. I really really do. So i'll comply to anything. Even things i dont believe in.

I feel like im not given a choice.

I want my kids to know every possibility available to them out there. What they can achieve... and not tell them of the things that they cannot. I dont want to be there standing between them and their possible success, in things that i cannot even imagine.

So if they want to be actors, I'll drive them to acting classes. I'll drive them for auditions. I'll try to make their dreams come true for them. And if it did not happen, and things didnt go as planned. I'll tell them to no have any regrets, because they have tried, and now they know for sure.

Because how would one know if one has not tried?

It is foolish to base everything on assumption alone.

We dont know everything.
Its impossible for us to know everything.

Lets stop acting like know it alls.
(for know it alls are annoying as hell.)

I'll believe in their dreams as much as they would, because all they need is someone to believe in them, as they do. Because kids are fragile. Kids do believe that we know better. Kids believe in our judgement. Kids rely on us to lead them. (golly, here im referring to myself as an adult! IM SO OLD! XD)

They rely on us to steer them into the right direction.

But the right direction that we perceive, may not be theirs. And we have to learn to adjust to that, not change their mind set. Not tell them their dreams are impossible.

Want to be an astronaut? Who am i to stop you? Who am i to say its stupid?
Want to be a rock star?

I say, hell yeah. Go for it, baby!

All anyone needs is a little support. A LOT WOULD DO BETTER STILL. All anyone needs is a little faith.

Everyone needs that little push

All that stands between being somebody and being a nobody is you.

Once upon a time, i was so sure that i would become a somebody. Somebody so big and so influencial that i could change the world. =) Time has changed me. Again, i doubt myself. I really really do.

And now i wonder if i will forever stay a nobody.
And if i will die, having made no imprint on the world.

Perhaps one would say that it would be stupid for me to do so, to my INEXSISTENT kids. Its better to give them a direction to work to, a direction that would be so RIGHT and so SURE that nothing could go wrong. And with my guidance, how could they mess up? I should carve a pathway for them, so they'd never have to doubt.

Who am i to say you're wrong?

I guess we all have our own belief's. But i sincerely believe that its better for them to make their own paths. To embark on their own journeys. To find themselves. To make themselves into who they want to be instead of who i want them to be.

Because with my guidance,
What else can they be, but frikkin fantastic?

*grins*

And numbing them of their senses and making them into your little robots of perfect is just sad. Stop robbing kids of their creativity. Stop robbing them of their dreams. Stop. Just stop.

Because they're perfect the way they are.
They're just the way they're supposed to be.

Why cant you see?

I asked a person (will not be disclosed who),
'Do you believe in yourself?'

And the person had replied,
'Not really.'

I wasnt surprised. The person's parents had so little faith in the person, and they had constantly reminded the person. In the way they spoke. In their eyes. I heard the sadness in the voice, and i just felt like crying.

And then i did.

Because im not very different. I had faced the same situation. I know what it is like to not be believed in. I know what it is like to have others not expect much of you. It feels so sad. Its so depressing.

One just feels like giving up.
You lose hope.

If thats how people perceive you,
Then maybe thats really how you are.

You start getting that mentality,
and before you know it,

everythings gone.

I wont lie. I cried many nights (and days too! shows you how much i cried) in the past. I had struggled with myself, i had wondered what made you think that way of me. I wondered why you couldnt see.

And then i wondered if i was blind
Was it me that couldnt see?

I had tried to prove myself to you. And time after time i did, but it was still the same. One day it clicked, i had nothing to prove. I guess thats the difference between myself and that person, he succumbed to their believe in him.

I realised i didnt need their believe in me
It didnt matter.

Because i believed in me.

And soon after, things worked out for me. They started to open their eyes. FINALLY. And see me for who i can be. But even so,

Even so.
Even after the countless times ive proved myself

They still doubt me.

And now im drowning in their sea of doubt and filling the tank up with mine. This is such a big step for me, and now i cant find the courage to step out of the safe zone and create my own path.

So i oblige.

Not knowing if this will be a mistake.
feeling uneasy.

Its not okay.

But do i have a choice?

I had forgotten the predicament i was once in. Reading back and thinking back reminds me. The miserable days that had made me stronger.

Why cant i be stronger now?

There are times i dislike myself.
Times like now.

I never want my kids to have felt the way i felt. There are people who rise from it, and there are people who dont. Its sad. Its very sad. You either understand what im saying completely, or you dont understand at all. Because you're can only be either one of the two kids,

The one that was being compared to
Or
The one that was being compared

You were either always trying to live up to that shadow they had cast on you, or you were the one casting the shadow. You cannot be both. I want my kids to know, they're different in every way. They're special in their own way.

I never want there to be any bloody shadows.

It takes you to a dark place.

Dont get me wrong. My parents are fantastic, i do believe they're the best parents in the whole wide world. I do, i really really do. Like i said, they were just following their ideals, which arent wrong. In fact, most parents think the same way they do.

And for the most part, it works out.

But i just believe in my way more than i do theirs. If my kids make it in life, i would want to say that they did it on their own. All i did was give them my blessing. I do not want to make their choices for them. I do not want to restrict their choices to only a few.

Because there are so many
And they deserve a chance to live their own life

the way they want to.

Im feeling emo. Can you tell? hahahahaa. Anyway, just a reminder if i ever forget. Because we do forget, so easily its scary.

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