Child's Play

sat for chinese essay exam today. There was one question about bribery and i didnt know it was about BRIBERY i thought it was GREED. SO i wrote about GREED. and GREED was what i WROTE when supposedly i was supposed to write about BRIBERY. so PANG! i got the WHOLE THING WRONG FROM THE FIRST FRIGGIN SENTENCE. IM GOING TO FRIGGIN GET A ZERO.

I didnt know i was WRONG. At first i thought i was just out of topic, because then i still hadnt found out it wasnt suppsoed to be about GREED. See the level im at? even if it WAS about greed, it wouldve been out of topic. now that its NOT, its WORSE than BAD. im so friggin screwed. I felt SO HORRIBLE when this guy told me what it meant. I was SO SHOCKED all that went through my head was OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD and i exclaimed 'are you SERIOUS?' and they were laughing because i was going to 'supposedly' fail along with them. and i felt like crying.

after that i felt like just crying it all out, i did, i really did. But no one seemed to give a shit about how i felt. maybe they just were caught up in their own thing, which probably was the case. but anyway that just felt WORSE because i FELT like crying it out but COULDNT. and how pathetic am i? to be seeking comfort from blogging? GREAT HUH!? in the end, i cried myself silly ALONE at HOME with my PILLOW. pillows are great comfort. I've never felt so alone. honestly.

I wanted someone to just console me and tell me its OKAY. even though it is OBVIOUSLY not. I wanted someone to lie to me and tell me it IS anyway. Because me lying to myself was seriously NOT working. I wanted someone to tell me how i didnt know any better, how it isnt my fault. how i TRIED. i really DID and gave it my all, and really its not my fault i didnt know what it meant. it was an honest mistake, really, it was. Telling myself those things helped, of course it did, but it woulda been nicer if someone else did it, at least i would be able to rant and just get rid of how horrible i was feeling. and GOD, no one bothered. Which is why im here, blogging. So that all the horrible things im feeling, would be poured in here and i'd feel better.

It was really a wonder to me how they could completely ignore how i felt and just go on having normal conversations, laughing and sorts like i didnt even exist. It hurt, but i guess i can sort of relate. So no, im not mad. just slightly disappointed. i guess i just expected someone to be there for me.

i feel so much better now anyway, just called sara and cried to her. =') feel so much better!! didnt think i would cry so much though. just seriously BROKE DOWN. *sniff* THANKS SARA!