Child's Play

I don't know whether there are others like me. Sometimes, which is very occasionally, I think about how people would feel if I died, sometimes I think about how I would feel if someone passed away. I think about the things I would want to say to the person, I think about the memories we have together. And more than once, I've found myself crying over these thoughts. Call me odd, but that's just me.

I picture scenes in my head and its just so real, and for the next few days, I go out of my way to be extra nice to the said person as I realize how it would be to lose said person and how painful it would all be. How hard life would be and the things I would miss. Often I feel this immense bubble building up inside of me, just waiting to burst, and I just feel like going out there and telling everyone just how much I love them and appreciate them. And I think I have actually done that once or twice. I just want them to know, before its too late, I get that feeling, I do. Are you guys the same too?

Its like im sitting there doing something like cutting newspaper, making something for a friend and the washing machine is going on noisily beside me, shaking violently, and I stop cutting the newspaper and think, 'how would they react if I just died now due to the stupid washing machine crushing me into pulp after it losses control? What would the papers say? How would my family and friends react?' and then I would chuckle at the thought of the newspaper headlines, 'washing machine gone berserk'. Which isn’t really that hilarious now that im actually typing it out. Sounds… gruesome and horrible, doesn't it? Im just like that, thoughts like that just constantly fill my head.

Im just lying on my bed and the fan makes a rattling sound. I think of how it would be if I died being crushed and minced by a fan. Which is really totally gruesome I know, gah, really sucks to have such an active imagination at these kinda times. Honestly. But I don't know, thoughts like this really drive me to be a better person and treat another person better, knowing that one day they wont be there anymore, that I wont be here anymore. You just want to treat everyone a little bit nicer, while we're still here, still existing. Sigh, you all must be thinking how really wu liao (and psychotic *seriously NOT intended and IM SO NOT psychotic*) I am. Might as well do something for productive with my time then sitting there thinking about this kinda crap, right? Yeah. I do think so too, but its not like I can help myself. Maybe that's why my stories are always so morbid. Im always killing off the main character.

You know when you were younger and angry at a particular someone, you would go 'I wish he/she were dead' or something? Well, okay, maybe not all y'all were like that. But I know I once was. And whenever I found myself thinking or saying something like that, I would cry harder. Because I know it isn’t true and I'd feel so sorry to have said/thought that. I'd feel so horrible about myself I'd just hug my pillow, cry and rock myself to sleep. Then it'd all come flooding to me, the memories (like stated earlier) that I have with the said person and I would feel so horrible and I would just shout and sob uncontrollably into my pillow 'I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it'. Its odd, I know, but that was what I did.

I never said anything like that ever again. Seriously, I have no idea where this post is going, but somehow I just wanted to type it all down. For future references I guess… haha