if i can help it


Its so weak to cry.

If i can help it,
i wouldnt cry anymore.


Thats just it - i CAN help it.

To choose not to cry, to be strong, to take on anything and everything. To look at things and be able to say,

i can do this.


crying makes me feel so pathetic. Its like you're so helpless you can do NOTHING but cry.

..And that makes you a loser.

What can you accomplish by crying?
What do you want?
sympathy? Pity? attention?

Get up on your feet and STAND.
STAND dammit. STAND.


I want to be stronger, stronger than this. For myself.
I can do this, i know i can.
........................................
ps. Was a bit edgy today, have no idea why, i just was. Wanted badly to read my book, but was constantly bugged by noisy people around me, and people wouldnt stop asking me questions, so i got really annoyed and just walked over to the back and sat with liying. who is wonderful company, by the way. x)

XOXO






ICC charity concert pictures!!










really sorry to those who expected/wanted vidoes cuz i really really tried to load them on, but they just WOULDNT!!
(its not my fault! *sniff*) oh well...


Guess you guys would just have to do without the videos and do with your imagination. You're young, you're FILLED with that stuff... imagination i mean. x) hehe

Before the concert started, we had a rehearsal, and we did pretty badly.. so yeah, we were quite scared that we'd screw up on stage and such. And thus we practiced loads outside.. and i kept hitting the right key for 'on the floor anymore cause' and i was so happy and pretty much felt a bit assured.. but not really. because i always hesitate when the music plays so yeah... but anyway, im not going to bore you with what-happened-earlier-on-before-anything-began because seriously, nothing much happened but lotsa lotsa practicing backstage at the echo place. lol..

by now you should know that everything begins in the changing room

so there we are, the vain pots, the narcissists, the sexy girls, the beautiful darlings, the-uh-green trees? yeah well, we're really green (if brenda looks like shes wearing white to you, im sad to say that you're colour blind. =( sorry to be the one to break the news to you man, cheer up, its not the end of the world.) xp

credits of our makeup goes to this darling
she rocks!! sp, bren, sara and i had NO IDEA how to apply makeup.. we were just like experimenting on each other, in the end we asked for help and this indian girl helped us, but she wasnt really good at applying the eye shadow so she asked THIS DARLING (the one in the above picture) to help. oh god, she was WONDERFUL!! at one point, someone came in and told us (everyone in the changing room) to hurry up with the makeup as performances were going to begin soon and only performers from the first performance would be allowed in. the people in her own performance hadnt got their makeup done and were asking for her help and yet.. AND YET... she helped us first.

IM SO THANKFUL FOR HER!!
SHES SUCH A NICE SOUL! *sniffles*


oh and i LOVE THIS DUDE
his voice is like seriously DAMN THE CHUNTED WEY!!! i swear if he makes a cd, i'd buy it! i LOVE LOVE LOVE his voice!! i just want to die listening to it... gooooshhh... yes it IS that wonderful, its gorgeous, its like... *swoons* i think you get the picture.

Gasp!! would you LOOK AT THAT!??! its.. its... ITS US!

xp i was pretty disappointed as my worst fear did in fact become reality. i DID sing off key for 'on the floor anymore cause', sp went a bit off too for her high key part and sara went a teeny bit off beat. but it was okay. oh and sp's mike was soft at the beginning (drats!).

the crowd was really supportive, and fellow chs-ians were great! they were clapping along with the beat of the song and cheering enthusiastically (like maniacs! THATS THE WAY TO GO!) that i didnt feel that much fear anymore and couldnt help but smile. gosh, they were such sweethearts =) felt so comforted knowing the people were there for us! hehe!!

and guess what? at the end of the performance...
well okay, you cant see what happened from the picture.. but this is the only picture the person who had my camera took of the boys actually being on stage. well anyway, bryan, kwanseng, joyee and yonghui came on stage and gave us each a rose. so sweet of them. x) and with that, our performance ended.

we went backstage again to prepare for the finale.. and the results were being announced. there were three categories. Singing, modern dancing and traditional dancing. 2nd place for singing went to.... *drumrolls*
the trio from catholic high! x) they ROOOCKED!! i love their harmonisation and all. like wow! =) really proud! so anyway, they were going to annouce the first place winners... and i was telling suping how i thought it would be the guy (you know the one who i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE?) and she said it might be this other girl (who has A POWERFUL VOICE) but turns out...

XOXO WON!

yes.. WE WON! WE WON WE WON WE WOOOONNN!!!! it was SO UNEXPECTED, we were ECSTATIC! but of course, we walked out all composed and all, and only started screaming with excitement behind the curtains. haha!! everyone was congratulating us and we were like... 'I CANT BELIEVE IT!' xp
the finale!!
XOXO and a fan
(she was so happy she got to take a picture with us) sara even gave her a rose to remember us by oh and brenda gave her that blue balloon which was later dropped onto the floor due to its lacking of sexiness. lolz

oh fine, so its only my sister.. CLOSE ENOUGH? xp
yonghui in green because suping told him to. *cough cough*

anyway, apparently joyee was really sporting and shook his butt for everyone to see when the emcees went over and tlaked to him. im not really sure what happened cuz i didnt see it (was backstage preparing) so yeah. drats!

ps. bryan is a lousy photographer... he took a lousy photo of christian (the hawt emcee) and serena C (she said 'it was so beautiful i almost cried when she saw me and sara walking out from backstage after the performance)
see what i mean?
he also took a picture of this cloud of smoke. no idea why. i can already hear him saying 'hey, its cool!' in my head in his own defence. anyway, its not cool. at least i dont think so. lol

oh yeah.. before i forget.. ash performed too. though honestly, i had no idea who he was until they said he was from malaysian idol. i went 'oh, nowonder i dunno la'
thats more or less sums it up! so thats it! not many photos as we didnt take many. there are some recordings though (no full ones.. sigh). but like i said before, i cant seem to post them up, so yeah. =) i had fun! it was a great experience! hehe

- its not enough to just want something, you've got to ask for it -

eeeek!

today was a SAD, TRAGIC day that
SHALL BE REMEMBERED forever
.

TODAY....

i got touched all over by TWO girls

oh fine, so it was a SPOT CHECK and they were PREFECTS, same thing same thing. I STILL got touched all over (MOLESTED!! xp) by them! so did the rest of the girls in class. GOSH!!! they raided our classroom collecting liquids, keychains and whatnots...

really horrible to see how some of the prefects conducted the search for barang laragan's. they just took all the books out of the bag and stacked them on the table, not caring when some of our stationary fell on the floor and stuff. omigoodness laaa... i mean, for pity sake, if you dont want to put the stuff back in the bag FINE LA, but please have some respect and put them nicely on the table or something.

So its not your belongings, would you have liked it if other people treated your stuff that way?? i behtahan la!! anyway, it was really quite funny. initially i had qualms about being... TOUCHED as they were REALLY thorough (seriously =__=") but liying and szeying were SO HILARIOUS about it i got over it. haha! liying was damned cute. When the prefect was TOUCHING her, liying went all 'how does it feel?' *laughs* and when it was my turn i went 'gasp! dont touch me!'

i guess we have to take pity on the prefect too, its not like they WANT to go around touching people, they're being forced to! so yeah. i shant be mean about it. haha x) Someone ratted the class out thats why the spot check happened. Not sure who, but its definitely true. Horrible, no? we got spies among us!! the teacher pinpointed yonghui and kept asking him if he brought his handphone, he said no, because he really didnt!! he told me that he was using someone elses handphone and some random fella saw him and thus... the suspecting.

some people in my class, 2 of them, got caught for bringing their handphones. a few of my classmates had soft toy keychains for their pencil box. those got confiscated too! really very sad for stitch especially because he was such a darling plushie and the class really loved him. he shall be remembered. =( my keychain got confiscated too, which is really stupid cuz the whole point of it being there was to enable easy pulling of my pencil box zipper. =__=" sad.

And just yesterday i bought a lolli for sis and put it in my bag to give it to her when i got home later (which i forgot). so yeah, it was left in my bag and they TOOK IT. sigh. they're prolly in a corner now enjoying it, cracking up with laughter going all 'just like taking candy from a baby' =( oh well, think i'll just buy another one tomorrow.

- clarity -

Hugs and Kisses

The past few days have been a bit OFF for me...

Thank you Brenda
for all the times i feel like breaking down/already broke down, you were there to pick up the pieces and put me back together. Making me happy and whole again, giving me assurance. And most of all for believing in me. For telling me i can. It really helps x) Without you i'd be a BIIIIG mess right now. You truly rock! x) Love you girlfriend!

Thank you Cassie
for always listening and talking to me and coming up weird weird theories with me (muahahaha) distracting me from DEPRESSION! you make me happy too, and make me laugh like crazy x)! love you lots and lots!! NOTHING SHALL GO PASS US UNSEEN! HAHAHHAA

Thank you Sara
for putting up with me and my mood swings, im truly truly sorry for all the times i got touchy with you. for realizing when im super sensitive and not taking anything to heart. for listening me ramble on and on about the same thing for hours on the phone. for running with me and hearing me scream when i really need to. XD for understanding, and also, like brenda, for giving me assurance and believing in me, which i really really need. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you!

and also thank you to all the other people who bothered with the ('how are you?' 'what happened?' and 'are you okay')s i do so love you people for caring too. XD

More than anything

Today's chemistry lesson was really very stupid. XD thanks to LIYING, yen hsian and i went really really high. XD i lighted my first 3 matches today! with the encouragement for LIYING and the enthusiasm from everyone else (haha) I LIGHTED THEM! *GASP* yeah, so its NO BIG DEAL TO YOU AS YOU HAVE DONE IT A GAZILLION TIMES, but its a big deal to me!! (well not really, but lets just pretend it is)

liying and brenda called me a pyromaniac when i said i wanted a box of matches so i could go on making them ignite. XD i also caught soot on filter paper today! WHAT FUN! (no not really, but like i said, being really happy makes you think that everything is FUN when it really isnt much of anything) i taught liying the name game, and she couldnt stop singing the song, and then guo yaw got influenced. haha! we also did some really stupid things that I SHALL NOT MENTION. (muahahaha.. use your imagination?)

After that, between periods, i was singing the name game song with guo yaw and kinda like.. shaking my butt? with the song... and then mr ho came in (=__=") and yen hsian nudged me and went 'teacher is looking at you'. *oh hell, NOT AGAIN* Even when there is no Bro John lesson i am constantly picked upon. *laughs like an idiot* prolly (most definitely, but saying probably makes me sound like a more innocent kid than i really actually am) cuz im so EASILY distracted and talk so much. (or maybe its because of my undeniable good looks *ahem* ..... then again, maybe not. XD HAHAHHAAA)

At one point, i was actually paying FULL attention to mr ho's teaching. like REALLY! he drew this dog on this cliff thingy and i thought it looked really cute, so thus i was staring at it... and ALONG CAME CASANDRA and she went 'BOO!' at the window. I was staring so hard at the blackboard, concentrating and being a GOOD KID that i was shocked by her! so i went all 'OMIGOSH! YOU SCARED ME! YOU BAD GIIIRL!' and then she laugh laugh laugh la.. and then.. and then... and theeeeeeeeeeeeeen...

(the following was in chinese but since im too lazy to use the zhong wen zhi xing to type chinese wordings, i shall type all the han yu ping ying's out in hopes you actually can understand half of it. if you do, give yourself a round of applause, i am proud of you. if not, ah too bad. Life is sad like that)

'li may! ni kan na li? wai mian you she me dong xi hao kan?'
(li may! where are you looking at? whats there to look at outside?)
*ZOMG* 'Ahhh... dui bu qi lao shi!!!'
(Ahhh...im sorry teacher!)

Then cuz cassie came with the yellow house committee which consisted of yew hoong and yi pei, teacher said .....

'bu yao kan ta men la, kan hei ban! ni yao ta men de dian hua hao ma wo xia chi gei ni'
(dont look at them, look at the blackboard! you want their phone numbers next time i give you)

*eeek* the whole class was laughing at mua. this ALWAYS happens to me. Like AS YOU ALL KNOW, bro john LIKES calling me. Every single class WITHOUT FAIL, i'll surely get called upon. Like just yesterday, i was in the middle of hi-fiving with liying and he went..

Bro John : Li may...
*but i didnt hear him and was still laughing*
Bro John : Li May?
*but i still DIDNT hear him because hi-fiving is so fun.. and then the students in front called me*
Bro John : Li May?
Me : *because im SO USED TO IT, i just FLAHSED MY BEST SMILE AT HIM* yes teacher?!?!
Bro John : do you have anything to ask about this chapter?
Me : *zomg, SMILES WIDER AND HOPEFULLY SWEETER* erm... ermmm... noooooooo??
Bro John : *smiles back* then i'll ask you a question, okay?
Me : Nooooo!!!

*some students who heard me exclaim in dismay laughed*

Bro John : *asked some question, but i dont remember what that question was due to my complete and utter blurness* Do you know the answer?
Me : ahahahaha.. i..dont know

see, THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS. Thats just an example of what happens EVERYDAY. i swear i DO TRY to pay attention, i DO! but i just have this REALLY like REAAAALLLY short attention span. So im truly sorry. hehe ><

Since we're talking about school, i might as well seize this opportunity to show you..
well i dont know about you, but i think its UBER CUTE! x) i like folded school socks. it looks damned adorable! i dont understand why people like wearing those ankle socks to school (outside i understand la, but in school?). i dont know, looks odd to me. I prefer the socks to be seen. hehe, maybe i no fashion sense or something, but that IS what i prefer. Like previously stated, i think its damned cute when people fold their socks. XD

Speaking about cute, i know you guys have prolly (i know it should be PROBABLY but prolly sounds nice and so im going to use prolly from here on) seen him before but i dont care. Lookit my FAVOURITE plush, PATCHES!
Lemme tell you the story on how i got patches. =D (you can not read if you dont want to. not that you dont already know that, but i like saying it anyway so it sounds like im being nice and giving you an option when really the option already exist)

When i was just a little girl, mom brought my sisters and i to toys-r-us while she and dad went pak-to somewhere around la.... i saw patches and GASP i knew that..

we were meant to be

It was unmistakable, the attraction i felt was SO STRONG i cant think of any other word to describe it but... LOVE. *sniffles* what a great day it was. Yes, i had fallen in love. I went to the pile consisting of him and his family + friends. They all had the same brown patches at the same spots.. but HE STOOD OUT TO ME. =) and so, i held him up and said 'you're the one i've been looking for'. And then i carried him around toys-r-us and showed him to my sisters who didnt share the same enthusiasm in him as i did, which i was relieved to hear as i wouldnt have liked it if they tried to steal him away from me.

I remember putting him on my shoulder trying to make him balance and saying sweet sweet things a little girl would say to her new found love of a plush. when mom and dad came back, i presented darling patches to mom and begged her to let me have him. mom said NO. and i was taken aback, being the ever so PERSUASIVE and CUTE + CHARMING + (whatever nice you can add in right here) KID I WAS, through a little more begging, mom agreed to let me keep him.

Of course, patches cute adorable face also managed to help charm mother. who can resist his cuteness? WHO!?? (not you, dont lie) and so with that, i was able to take him home. =D and we lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER

(for a few days before i got bored of him and he remained as just one of the plushes on my bed)


THE END


Oh and remember how i said i wanted to blog about the lizard in my bathroom? yea, so anyway theres nothing much to blog about it. Just that in the past few days, its been inhibiting my bathroom so i'd be on the constant look out for it before i enter the bathroom. So that i can avoid it with the best of my abilities. can i name the lizard Zrad? yeah okay, so Zrad had been in my bathroom for a few days now. and im so scared of it.

Yeah i have this unexplainable fear for lizards (and lots of other things). Always afraid that they MIGHT JUST FALL ON ME or ATTACK ME WHEN IM LEAST EXPECTING IT. so yesterday, as usual, i scanned the bathroom for Zrad, when i didnt see him, (yeah so it's a HE now) i relaxed and thought 'well maybe he decided to find a new home' and smiled thinking,

'hoo boy, im going to miss that young fella who doesnt move much but just stays unmovingly on the stupid wall even when i bang my hands on the wall in hopes of it getting scared and run away in which he never does because he is SO DAMN STUBBORN. goodbye zrad'

In fact, i think i even had tears in my eyes as i said that. Tears of joy and relief and... then i saw him lying upside down dead beside the toilet bowl. i GASPED (literally).








Zrad the deceased






It was odd to see it so lifeless like that. Though most of the time it was ALSO very immobile and more or less look LIFELESS. but this time he was DEAD for real. ZRAD... gone...... gone... forever. *rejoices, no more days of worrying it would fall on my head* Anyway, my maid the fearless + my hero! came and picked zrad up, folding its body and pinching it between her fingers. She then disposed of him. (disgusting, i know)

(not meaning to sound cruel) but i was glad.

- MR DAAARCY... so haaandsome -

obsession

WAFF WAFF WAFF!!
(warm and fuzzy feelings)
I watched pride and prejudice just now and GOSH IM SO IN LOVE WITH MR DARCY! Matthew Macfadyen. WHAT A VERY HANDSOME MAN INDEED. i was squealing so much during the movie, haha. SO CHARMING SO... *swoons*



The scene he looks most handsome in. XD, gosh! IF YOU WONT HAVE HIM I WILL! (watch vid to understand that line) 'I LOVE YOU TOO MR DARCY! XD'



Watch the VID! you'll learn to fall in love with his face in due time. but wait, DO I REALLY WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!?? (back off! this is mah territory) HE IS MINE!!! (XD yeah well, they're all mine. shuttup about it being unfair. LIFES LIKE THAT. live with it. BWAHAHHA MR DAAARCY~~)
Siiiigh~~ good show anyway, you guys should all watch it if you havent yet. hehe! nothing to blog about today, well there was this DEAD lizard in my bathroom but i shall blog about that later on (maybe) when i upload the picture i took of it.

...till then, SWOON OVER MR DARCY.