Child's Play

I cried in class for the first time today. It was SOOOOO unexpected, i blame PMS. ITS PMS I TELL YOU. i was just sitting there yakking away as usual during chem class, talking about my incompetent new maid, then all of a sudden i was talking about my previous maid who was like a best friend to me. I was so attached to her.. i went on about how nice she was, and i felt tears welling up. So i stopped a moment and breathed. And i thought i was okay again and went on talking about it... and then i talked about the day she was leaving... and i felt the tears again, and it was so hard to even breathe thinking about it all. so i stopped in mid sentence and tried to collect myself. SIgh, and then i went on again... but this time i didnt stop myself in time and tears started pouring down and i couldnt stop it. And it felt so horrible. Gosh, i miss her. I miss her so much.

I guess it hurt to much to think about it, so i never really thought about the day she left, 'cept for that day itself which course, i cried SO SO much. Ignorance is a bliss after all. And today, when i finally talked about everything again, i just could not hold my tears in. I could not hold my emotions in. Sigh, its all so very sad. It was really retarded cuz my chem teacher is leaving, adn she told us. While she was teaching halfway i cried and she looked at me like 'huh?' lol.. and i just kept waving my hands indicating its NOTHING! Hui yee thought i was crying cuz teacher was leaving us. I hope teacher did not think that too. =__=" gosh. That maid left in the end of form 3 anyway, just in case y'all didnt know and was wondering. ='( Thats us on my 15th birthday. I look retarded. screw it. Thats not the main point. she was the sweetest, nicest, best maid ever. and i truly, sincerely, with all my heart, love her. She was a best friend, she was family. Sigh. Why do people have to leave?

Oh and i also had this sudden realization after talking to brenda that after buddhist camp, for once since SO LONG AGO, im proud to be a buddhist. I think i might have felt this way when i was much much younger, but as years went by, i started to forget what it meant to be a buddhist, what being BUDDHIST really is. what IS Buddhism. i was lost and at one point i was only saying 'im buddhist' because thats what it stated on my birth cert. And that was jsut WRONG. I started actually wanting to go to church and Christian events because it all looked so fun and buddhists just dont do anything. Well, thats what i thought then.

And i had this odd perception that buddhists were all chinese speaking people, which is ALL SCREWED UP THINKING BY THE WAY. after last years end of the year buddhist camp, i found out how wrong i was and learned about buddhism again. I was so enlightened by everything and now i can proudly say, i am a buddhist, and i am glad. Im not just saying 'im a buddhist' just cause its in my birth cert anymore, i say it because im proud to be one. if you're a buddhist, you should too.

I cannot believe, when my friend asked me to go for christian camp, and my mom asked me to go for buddhist camp, i actually chose to go to the christian camp. I thank mom for making the decision for me, which was to go for buddhist camp. Whatever it was, though church and all is undeniably fun, i was not ready to give up buddhist as my religion, and now i can proudly say, i am not going to. Because i love being a Buddhist. Everything is clearer now. Its not to you? go attend SJBA (subang jaya buddhist association) organised camps. You'll learn to. that experience has changed me in many aspects. =)