Child's Play

Most of my results are back already. and im very unhappy and unsatisfied PLUS dissapointed in myself. Perhaps i was being too proud. Perhaps i wasnt thinking straight when i decided to study last minute. Perhaps i am just plain stupid. But this is what happened. and i cant say i dont deserve it.

I dropped like hell and im uncertain that i can even maintain the position of top 3 OR even top 5. wait. i cant even get top 3 anymore. Forget it. Before that, when i first got my results back, yes, i never expected them to be that low, but nevertheless i excepted the marks and just couldnt care less. The idea, 'its over, i cant change the past and besides, who cares?' was stuck in my puny little brain. And then the huge pang came. My friends and rivals started getting better results than i did.

the unexpected happened all around me. People i never knew would be a threat rose before me and i started shrinking. Smaller and smaller and smaller still. Im loosing to a friend like 23 marks and im not happy. id be crazy to be happy anyway. INHUMAN. i never expected to lose out so much. as for the other people, thats history. Maybe i was overconfident with myself. Thinking how it would be alright even if i didnt study so hard, thinking i was smart enough to remember the facts, thinking all sort of junk.

Im a sucker. Bah. PMR is coming, some of my friends have started studying. and yet, i havent. I think im gonna start today. No more over confidence. and i DO care about my results. at least i do now. Wasnt a few days ago, that much i assure you. But today..reality just hit me that hard on the face its impossible not to give a damn.

oh and, brenda is getting almost the same marks as me. so maybe we'll end up in the same class. Yay! thats one friend. Im glaaaaad.

Note: im a man today. and so, i didnt hit BRYAN (the lady) when SHE hit me. I shall hit her tomorrow when i become a gurl again and SHE a boy. PREPARE YOURSELF!!!