Are you in?

It's not easy to be a girlfriend.

I don't mean in a relationship, boyfriend-girlfriend. Not that kind of girlfriend. I mean, being a girlfriend to your girl friend, being part of a sisterhood. Its like how bros have the bro code i guess, we have our rules too, certain things that are just expected of you, as a sister, as a girlfriend. And its not easy, we all know that. But you choose your sides, you choose the side you bias with.

You weigh the importance of each person in your life and you take your pick. Which side are you on? If you dont choose a side, you're outed from the group, there's no place for you here. Oh, we'll smile, we'll wave, we'll exchange pleasantries alright, but who are you to me? You don't belong here. Harsh, isn't it? But you need to pick a side, we need to know you're on our side, that if things go bad, if things go sour, you'll be there with us, sticking with us through thick and thin. You cant trust someone or fully let someone in when you know they're sitting on the fence, when they're being indecisive.

And if you ever felt like you dont belong in a group, that no one was willing to take you in, you know exactly why. This is the reason why. It is so much easier to be friends with boys, isnt it? Less complications, less bitchy-ness, less implicit expectations. I like to believe that because I understand how difficult it is to be a girlfriend, how unfair it can be, that I can be the exception and not stick to the rules, not push someone out from my circle of trust just because. But I can't shake the feeling off, and expectations, i have expectations, and this - this is bothering me.

You pick a side.

And if you can't or you won't, you better damn well have a good explanation. But you don't. So I'll help you with that decision. It really is harsh. I know. But this is a girl's bitchyness down in words. Sit down. ponder. reflect.

Have you ever let your girlfriend down?

An awkward affair.

Raise of hands, how many of you think your birthday is an awkward affair?

Yes, Im peering through the screen and looking at your unraised arms right now, go on, raise them. I know you're itching to. Its true, I can see you. I mean, im not saying I don't like birthdays, whats not to love, right? People all around you celebrating the fact that you're still alive, WHOOP! another year older, lucky you, YOU MADE IT, you didn't die!! :D

but its all just bloody awkward, isn't it?

Where do I start?

Let's start with the obvious. When the lights go out and the cake comes out and everyone around you is singing the birthday song. What do you do? I always find that the most awkward moment, I never know where to look! So there I go, plaster on the sheepish smile, look around at everyones faces, some of them look unsure (why are you looking at me?!) and then you feel worse. Should you sing along? So I sing along and I clap even, yes, clap along, blend into the crowd!! Zebra, think zebra, STRIPES. I HAVE STRIPES, i TOTALLY BELONG! but everyone is still looking at me and i still don't know where to look, so i stare at the candles and my cake. Wow, i wonder how hot the fire is.

Then there comes the present opening ceremony. Again, i never know how to react to things. Its weird because I get so excited about little everyday things, but when it comes to presents, that dwindles down to zilch excitement. There's always so much anxiety, oh no, what did she get me? How am i supposed to react? I hope my reaction lives up to her expectations! And because so much thought comes into rearranging your face and having the right expression when you open the gift, what really happens is your face gets confused and turns out looking constipated with your mouth forming an O-shape and that's when you go,

'oh.'
And then you go ahead and state the obvious.
'you got me a ____.'

And then you realize how bad your reaction is, but there's no taking that back now. Then you either really like the present, in which you try to salvage the situation by talking more about it, because you really do like it and you want to show your appreciation to make up for that 'oh.' you did before. Or the case where when you see the gift and all thats running through your mind is 'huh.' not a lot to work with here. In which you again, try to salvage the situation by faking enthusiasm, because its the thought that counts right? And thanks for the gift, you really shouldn't have. All the pleasantries. Ah, so much anxiety, its bloody awkward, don't you agree?

I sound spoiled and ungrateful, right about now.

But its what runs through the brain, I really do appreciate everything everyone does for me, really I do. Then the times where people are trying to surprise you, but you pick up on all the little hand signals and eyebrow twitches that are going on, but you have to pretend to be oblivious to all that around you. So you smile, you laugh. Did you already know?

OF COURSE I DIDNT.
actually yes, yes i probably did.

Then again, you have to figure out how to react when they spring the surprise-oh-not-really at you. Again, your face gets confused and what comes out is a constipated look with your O-shaped mouth and you exclaim,

'oh!'

Solution to that is,
the surprise-oh-not-really, isnt the surprise at all.
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Oh no, there is much more to that.
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:D

A very Potter affair, July 2011. Ping's birthday.
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Well anyway, bet you didnt know I was going in this direction with the post, did ya? (; As always, sorry I havent been updating, but love you guys so much (:

Year of the Dragon, lets hope its going to be a great one!

x